to be held

The inexpressible may be contained (inexpressibly!) in the expressed, but the older I get, the more fearful I become of this nothingness, this waxing lyrical about those I love the most. Maggie Nelson, The Argonauts The body doesn’t lie. But when we bring language to the body, isn’t it always already an act of fiction?Lidia …

failure to thrive

It is gray when you wake up. It is always gray. This is something you only recently noticed, and now you can't unsee it. It is gray gray gray and then sharply turns black and then you wake up and it is wet cotton gray again. You have little sense of time in the grayness. …

songs i’ve listened to on repeat an ungodly amount: an incomplete list

If you've spent time with me, you know that I love music. If you've spent a questionable amount of time with me, you know that I love listening to the same song over and over. I'll find a song, instantly adore it, and then play it on repeat so many times that it generally isolates …

main character energy

Would someone who is NOT the main character sit alone and pensively watch the sunset over the vast and open canyon? I thought not. "Main character energy" is a phrase that's cropped up online recently. Wow, look at her! She has main character energy, someone will write. She is the fully realized protagonist at this …

Top Books of 2020

In no particular order: 1. Battleborn, Claire Vaye WatkinsThis is probably the best short story collection I've ever read, and perhaps one of my all-time favorite books. If you've ever driven out west, specifically the southwest, then you know what this book is about---those small towns situated in the middle of a vast and empty …

self as a series of refracting mirrors

I'm so unfinished. --Sufjan Stevens I started a new job recently. So what's your story? Why are you here? A coworker asked me. I hesitated. What is my story? Why *am* I here? I didn't know what to include, what elements of my life convey the realest parts of me. My interests? My jobs? My …

10 Years

“We didn’t matter, the consequences didn’t matter; the moment when we agreed to put our love into action did. It was not an act of courage. It was a statement of belief that the world can change if we are willing to risk our own change first.” ---Terry Tempest Williams This past winter was my …

once more

Same Adirondack campsite, three different memories. I It is the final evening of our summer training hike. The previous night, we were deep in the Upper Works wilderness, camped out at a lean-to where we'd made too much fiesta rice and had to backpack it all out. It had drizzled the whole evening and because …

spikes&soft places

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. …

To Chingachgook

Once upon a time, I worked at a camp called Chingachgook. It was a sprawling camp nestled in the southern Adirondacks with a 32.6 mile lake at one end and a 2,631-foot mountain at the other. It was home to squirrels and owls and eastern newts. It was home to dozens of staff members, their …